The Hour Badly Spent

Writers behave badly.

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(409): I hate him and his...
(409): I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
(410): She said, "awww,...
(410): She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
(949): One of those nights had to...
(949): One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
(856): and then she started to...
(856): and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her.
(214): She makes me want to eat...
(214): She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
(630): I really hope jumping jacks...
(630): I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?

Innocent says FML
Today, I came home to a furious wife and an answering machine message from a woman neither of us know claiming I got her pregnant. My wife won't believe she got the wrong number. FML
Anonymous says FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years accidentally admitted to me that he settled for me because he doesn't think he can do any better. FML
BigDT says FML
Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML
footscratching says FML
Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first in in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn't reach it. FML
INeedMoney says FML
Today, I just finished my first week of unemployment. I don't have any money. I also just finished the last toilet paper roll. FML
jaycee says FML
Today, after having finally summoned the nerve to report a guy at my workplace who has been sexually harassing me for months, I got a phone call from my boss. He said that there was nothing he could do about it, because the guy "wouldn't confess." FML

Winesburg
You were forced to read Winesburg, Ohio for your senior year English class and you told me it was excruciatingly boring. I read it a year after we broke up, and I absolutely loved it. Turns out you were the excruciatingly boring one.
It's Not That Many!
When I drink late at night I send Dear Old Love notes about us. I’d rather 774,529,104 people know how I feel about you than tell you.
Puzzle
When I was with you, I think the puzzle of my life was finally complete. It was only for a little while, but it was complete nonetheless.
Toned Out
On the days I really miss you, I go back and listen to that stupid ringtone I set aside just for you. I wish I could hear it go off on its own.
One Class
I only remember one class from my freshman year of college. It’s the class I met you in, and I wish more than anything things had gone down differently between us.
Just Two
The first time, I was too short to reach your cheek and I kissed your neck. The second time, I wore heels, but my wavy hair stood between my lips and your cheek. Pity there won’t be any “third time”.

#8987
Producer: “Hey buddy, you’re a pretty big star in your own world.” Anchor: “That’s a pretty shitty world.”
#8986
Female reporter: “If Nancy Grace can do a cartwheel, so can I.” Photographer: “That’s a dangerous precedent.”
#8985
Female reporter, looking at the afternoon snow forecast: “I don’t need a foot. 1 to 2 inches is plenty.” Male reporter: “We’re still talking about snow, right?”
#8984
Reporter 1 reading arrest report: “I can’t wait to see what happens.” Reporter 2: “Spoiler alert: he gets arrested.”
#8983
Co-worker 1: “I think I’ll just change my name to Page View.” Co-worker 2: “You’d be better off with Click Me.”